Who Will Marry Adetutu – Episode 3
Journal Entry 3
3/1/2025
It’s 7:00 am in the morning ‘Osimiri Atata’ spontaneous cover by evangelists Lawrence and Godswill Oyor is playing. I woke up this morning thinking about my best friend, Dayo and my crush, Tochi. I have been thinking about what life would look like if I ended up with either of them.
Yesterday, Bosun was telling me something about Alpha, Sigma and Beta men. A concept I was hearing about for the first time. An Alpha is someone who is dominant and assertive. Think of a typical Igbo man who describes his wife as his ‘Achalugo’ and does not expect her to work. A Beta on the other hand, is someone who is more co-operative and values peace. Even if it comes at their expense. Bosun said a Sigma is a little bit of both. It is a man who wants to go 50/50 with his partner. What I thought I wanted, or rather what I thought I could get with Dayo.
Dayo is a good guy. But he’s not my guy. Actually, now that the feelings are gone and I can see clearly, calling him a good guy is highly debatable. He has some good things going for him. One being that he is a fine man. I think I like fine men.
He is 6ft5, Dark, and has long lashes. Long lashes are my weak point. I think. I love them. He is also honest. To a fault. He may not have been faithful, but he was always honest. In truth, I cannot call him ‘unfaithful’ given the fact that we never were in a relationship and so he owed me nothing.
We did admit feelings to one another, but feelings were never strong enough for him to want to try with me. Us living in different states in Nigeria was a bit too much for him. That’s what he said. Maybe, I just wasn’t enough.
Thinking about it now, I’m not mad. We are both 22 and I guess he wanted to explore. Meet other people. Date other people. Sleep with other people…something he knew I wasn’t going to let happen. Not after the strict warning from a pastor to never engage in sexual activities during a fiery prayer session in secondary school.
Apart from the bible scripture that tells us to ‘keep the marriage bed undefiled’ that warning is the reason I decided to stay chaste till I get married. That evening flashes in my mind every time I watch a steamy scene in a movie and attempt to dwell on it. I know you eventually act out what you think about, so I try not to think about sex, so I don’t start wanting it. Ovulation does not help, but I’ll press on.
It’s now 7:30 am now and ‘ah ah ah’ by Theophilus Sunday is now what I have on. I’ll have to end my musings about my 8 year-long situationship now because I need to report to my mum’s room for prayers. My sisters are already there, waiting. See you tomorrow morning or maybe this evening? We’ll see.
With all my love,
Adetutu
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I passed the exam. In flying colours, actually. 45 out of 60. Math? 13. Civics? 16. English? 16. I thought I’d score higher in English — but I couldn’t care less. I passed. And that’s what matters.
My parents are overjoyed. I’m relieved. And of course, the first person I update is Dayo. I tell him everything — my score, how I screamed when I saw it, how the campus looked, and all the crying I did the night before the exam. Certified cry-baby.
He’s excited. Proud, even. It’s like our relationship had just entered a new phase. This was the first ‘difficult’ situation he’d seen me through.
Days turn to a week, weeks to a month and the only thing constant in this month of July 2017, is that I talk to Dayo every day. We talk so much, I suggest we take a break. I fear we’d run out of things to say, and he won’t be the most exciting part of my days anymore. Or maybe, he’d find out that I really am boring and he’d think I am a fraud. I don’t know why I suggest it, but I do.
Tutu: Dayo, we need to take a break! We talk to each other too much! We’ll soon run out of what to talk about!
Dayo: LOL, You’re right! We talk wayyyy too much! Let’s take a day off!
I think he agrees a little too fast. Was I already boring him to death? I never find out because we don’t survive the break. We didn’t even last a day. 6:12 PM to 4:10 PM. 22 hours. Not bad for two people trying to “take a break” from talking. We’re hopeless.
He needs to ask my opinion about a girl he thinks he likes. That’s what breaks the fast. This is the first day I realize I may have feelings for Dayo. I haven’t admitted it to myself yet, but it’s creeping in because I feel something. I feel a certain way.
I know because I am talking a lot about what he’s told me to my sister. That’s what I do to mask ugly emotions like jealousy. What I am feeling now.
I hate that I feel this way. I hate experiencing negative feelings. I always want to be perfect, respond appropriately, and be understanding. Always regulated. But I can’t help it. I do feel jealous. I am jealous that Sarah has his attention. Even worse that Sarah is my friend.
Dayo: I asked her if she has feelings for me. You know I always like to find out, before I admit I have feelings.
Tutu: Haha! What did she say?
Dayo: She said yes! Then I said I liked her too.
Tutu: So did you ask her out?!
Dayo: Naaa. Not yet. I am not sure there is any point because we’d soon go to Uni.
I think I feel relieved, and I feel guilty for feeling relieved. It’s a whirlpool of emotions that I can’t make sense of. He’s just your friend, why are you concerned about a girl he likes?
”I don’t like Dayo, I don’t like Dayo, I don’t like Dayo”, I chant to sleep. It’s a bit long, but it’s more interesting than counting the boxes on the ceiling. Maybe, if I sing this long enough, I’d trick my brain into believing it’s true.
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