Diary of a Very Tired Employee – Episode 2

Today my colleague had a send-off, and I think I felt jealous. Jealous for two reasons. Firstly, he is leaving this country and its Tinubu economy behind and secondly because of all the nice things everyone said about him. 

Honestly, I can’t tell if I am jealous or … worried.

Worried that when it’s my turn, people won’t have much to say. Worried that I am not good at my job, and that will be my day of reckoning. 

I imagine my line manager struggling to cook up something meaningful, so I do not feel too bad. Elijah has always been a nice man. I know he will try. 

I wonder what the term to describe this feeling is. Imposter Syndrome? Burn Out? My generation and our addiction to labels.  I don’t think it’s any of those though. Perhaps it’s good old fear.

The fear that I feel every Wednesday morning when it’s time for me to present my reports. I’ve never understood weekly reporting. Sometimes there is no new insight and staring at the screen saying the same thing I said last week, makes me feel dumb. Biweekly is enough!  Maybe it’s the laziness talking? I can’t tell.

Today is Friday night which means I still have four days till Wednesday.

I am constantly counting down like a crazy person. I hate the fact that a simple report meeting consumes me so much.

I wish I was bolder. A lot more confident. More audacious. Unafraid to challenge my superiors. Call it the Yoruba in me but I am often docile in meetings. Very polite. I go in to listen. I think it’s a disadvantage. Fortune favours the bold or how do they say it? 

I summed up the courage to ask Elijah how he thinks I perform in meetings, and he confirmed my worst fear. 

‘’I think you should speak up more. Sometimes, it seems like you’re waiting for us to tell you what to do. You’re promising, but you need to speak up’’. 

My emotions are raging.

It’s not that I do not want to speak up, I fear I would become known as the girl who constantly argues in meetings or even worse, the girl who talks a lot but does not make sense. I do not know which side of the fence I should sit on. 

Should I talk a lot and risk looking stupid? Is looking stupid better than looking passive? Sigh. Capitalism and its many woes. 

I think I have had enough for today. It’s the weekend. The least I can do is binge watch “The Prince Did Not Know the Maid Was a Princess’’ Parts 1-6 and just have a chill night. 

Tomorrow, I’ll pick up where I left off. 

Hi Hi! Taiwo here! Please leave a comment if this resonated with you and share with your colleague (your work bestie!) We”ll defeat 9-5 together! You can also read episode 1 here